Filed by Alice Moonlight, a Woman of Distinction and Good Taste, On Behalf of All That Is Civilized and Proper
To Whom It May Concern (and any nameless interns who might be tasked with sorting through these grievances),
I must begin by expressing my profound disappointment—nay, my disgust—at the lamentable incident that transpired last Friday evening. I had assumed, rather foolishly as it turns out, that when a theme is announced, it will be adhered to with some semblance of competence. The stated intention was clear: cats. And yet, what did I find intruding upon my ears, corrupting the sanctity of an otherwise respectable evening?
“Alice in My Fantasies” by Funkadelic.
A song about dogs.
This is an outrage.
Allow me to articulate, in excruciating detail, precisely why this violation cannot, must not, be ignored. I intend for this complaint to stand as a permanent record so that future generations will know: Alice does not tolerate nonsense.
I. The Importance of Thematic Integrity
The theme was cats. Not dogs. Not ambiguous animal metaphors. Cats. The epitome of grace, intelligence, and effortless superiority. It was to be an evening of reverence for these creatures, a moment of respite from the crassness of the world, a rare and precious acknowledgment of feline excellence. I had anticipated a carefully curated selection—perhaps some Stranglers (“Toiler on the Sea” is arguably cat-adjacent), some David Bowie (“Cat People,” obviously), or even something delightfully unexpected yet thematically correct.
Instead, I was blindsided by a song that, not only had nothing to do with cats, but actively celebrated the opposition.
To state the obvious: Dogs are vulgar, slobbering buffoons. Their obsession with human approval is unseemly. They lack the refinement, the dignity, the quiet menace of a proper cat. To suggest—even obliquely—that an evening dedicated to feline majesty could be interrupted by a song centered around an entirely different species is an affront to reason and order.
II. The Specific and Unforgivable Offenses of “Alice in My Fantasies”
- The Name Itself
- The song is called “Alice in My Fantasies.” This might suggest, to the uninformed, that it had something to do with me, Alice, a woman of refinement. It did not.
- This, in itself, is misleading and a personal attack.
- The Lyrical Travesty
- A particular line suggests that if the singer were a tree, and Alice (whoever she is supposed to be) were a dog, she could pee on him.
- I will now pause for dramatic effect so that the full weight of this insult may sink in.
- …
- I beg your pardon?
- At no point in my life have I expressed a desire to be compared to an incontinent canine, let alone one so lacking in discretion that it would relieve itself upon the very person fantasizing about it.
- This is a revolting notion. It is beneath me.
- The Fact That It Was a Funkadelic Song At All
- While I acknowledge Funkadelic’s cultural impact, I do not acknowledge them as a suitable choice for a cat-themed event.
- I do not need acid-drenched funk rock intruding upon my feline reverie.
- I fail to see how anyone with ears could have thought this was appropriate.
III. Identifying the Culprit: An Investigation Must Be Launched
Clearly, someone within the station has failed in their duties. Either this was a grievous oversight, or an act of intentional sabotage. There can be no other explanations. I demand a full inquiry into the following suspects:
- The Rogue DJ
- Perhaps an embittered soul, eager to disrupt the natural order, slipped this track into the queue.
- We must identify and discipline this individual accordingly. (May I suggest exile?)
- A Subversive Rival Station
- It is entirely possible that an external agent, fearing the success of our feline festivities, infiltrated our programming.
- Have we considered espionage? Has anyone checked the logs for unauthorized access?
- A Malfunctioning Computer
- If the Jukebox is automated, then perhaps it has gone rogue.
- If so, I propose a full purge of its corrupted data, preferably with fire.
- Someone with No Taste or Sense of Decorum
- Frankly, this is the most disturbing possibility of all.
IV. Recommended Punitive Actions and Preventative Measures
Should you wish to restore order and maintain credibility, I suggest the following steps:
- A Formal Apology, Delivered Over the Airwaves
- It should be somber. Acknowledging the gravity of the offense.
- Preferably accompanied by dramatic organ music.
- I will be listening.
- A Proper Cat-Themed Reparation Broadcast
- No less than two hours of cat-centric programming, free from dog-related interference.
- I personally volunteer to approve the playlist, lest this mistake be repeated.
- Immediate Disciplinary Action Against the Offender
- Public shaming is, at minimum, required.
- If it was indeed an inside job, perhaps reconsidering this individual’s access to the Jukebox is in order.
- Enhanced Security Measures
- Jukebox entries must be screened with militant vigilance.
- Any attempts to introduce dog-themed tracks during cat events should trigger an immediate lockdown.
V. Final Warning
I trust that you will address this matter with the seriousness it deserves.
If these corrective actions are not taken within the next week, I will have no choice but to escalate my protest. I am prepared to take drastic measures, such as writing an even longer letter. Perhaps one involving footnotes and citations. You do not want that.
Let this serve as a cautionary tale. We stand at the precipice of chaos, and if we allow disorder into our radio programming, then what next? Dogs sitting on the velvet cushions at the symphony? Labradors in tuxedos, ruining my opera experience? Great Danes in my tea shop, sniffing at the biscuits?
This cannot stand.
I expect action. And I expect it immediately.
With the deepest disappointment,
Alice Moonlight
A Lady of Culture and Victim of Jukebox Mismanagement
